Generally homeschooling a difficult or uncooperative child requires you to redefine you expectations and learn how your child learns. This if often the root of many issues.
I am almost positive every homeschooling parent goes through a period or two when they have a child who is defiant, and uncooperative. It is exhausting both mentally and emotionally. There is a part of you where you question where the line is between parent and teacher. Always react as the parent. First and foremost they are your child before they are your student.
How to do you deal with this type of situation? Or do you just succumb to accepting that this is your reality now? I hope that these ideas and suggestions can breath some new life into your homeschool and give you a bit of hope when you feel all may be lost! It’s not, I promise.
Determine the Root Cause
There is always a reason behind behaviour. It may surprise you that often times the cause has absolutely nothing to do with school or the work itself.
If you are able to work your way down to determining what is actually worrying them and causing the behaviour you can start to help them to address it from the inside out so to speak.
This needs to be done in an environment that is relaxed and not in the middle of any kind of melt down. One way I have used repeatedly when my own children’s behaviour becomes unpleasant (so say the least) is to take them out on a date. Just one on one. You may want to have their other parent come along too or to take them. Whoever you feel is best equipped for the job
The date needs to be fun and provide ample opportunity for conversation in a non-threatening way. A long car trip, out for ice cream, bowling, or something similar. Casually approach the subject and let them lead the way. Be the listener! Don’t try and accuse or vent your frustrations out on them. Just listen and try to understand. The more you listen the more they will open up.
Once you have discovered what is really going on you can work with them to find a solution or to come to a compromise on what is going to be required of them. One of my children became uncooperative every time we had math. It wasn’t that the math was too difficult it was that his younger sister kept yelling out the answers to his work that he never got to show that he could do it too. All it took was a stern talking to the six year old to butt out of her brothers work or she would have to sit in another room for him to return to his normal cooperative self.
Take A Step Back And Reevaluate
This may possibly be the best piece of advice I am going to give you and it is also probably going to be the hardest to follow through with.
If you can see them becoming angry, belligerent, uncooperative and shutting down WALK AWAY!
You are going to cause way more harm than good if you continue to push at this stage. It is just like digging a pit for yourself and then burying yourself.
Instead say “okay we are going to take a break, when you feel ready we can try again”. At this stage I will send the child to their room, not as a punishment but as a way for them to have the space they need to be upset and angry without it interrupting or disturbing anyone else’s work.
When they are done being upset they are welcome to return and carry on. Stay calm and welcome them back happily. Talk later about what happened.
Create An Efficient Routine
Efficency is one of the best tools I work with. If we do our work in a timely matter, first thing in the morning everyone is ten times more cooperative than if we drag it out all day long.
One way I keep to this is by setting alarms. For example each of my older children does 40 minutes of language arts each day. They know they understand that they are required to give their best effort for that 40 minutes and I will give them my full attention also. Once that timer goes off they can shut the book regardless of whether the lesson is finished or not. We can just pick it up again tomorrow if need be.
Working with a timer has been fantastic because it gives them an end time. They know that if they work solidly for that forty minutes that they will be done for the day and it won’t drag on until they have finished the lesson. However if there is laziness or procrastinating I will reset the timer. It only took once for them to realise that it is better to just do the work.
Offer An Abundance Of Praise For True Effort
When I speak of praise I want to be clear about one thing. Praise their efforts and the things they have control over. For example “wow I can see how hard you are concentrating, it is really showing in your work” vs “you are so smart”.
Yes you should still acknowledge that they are smart and wonderful but try not to let it be the first compliment you reach for. Children will respond better to praising their efforts than anything else. They will realise that they are able to control how much effort they put into a task or how hard they work through a difficult problem. These are tangible to them, being smart however is not something they can attach an action to, it is just a part of them.
Praise your child as often as you can. Be enthusiastic about it and show genuine excitement as you see them working hard and showing improvement.
An example from this morning: My eight year old has shocking handwriting. He is working on it but it is the part of the day that he despises with a passion. However today I saw him putting in a little more effort than usual. I praised his efforts and saw a little smile creep out. Soon he was concentrating even harder. 20 minutes later he had done twice the required work and it was impeccable. He was so proud of himself and the work he had done and so was I. Plus there were no tears.
Create Effort Charts
Now these are different from your regular types of reward charts. This chart is for effort, not for achievements. Many times children become uncooperative because they find the work difficult or overwhelming. It is understandable because we have all been there at times.
We need to teach our children to push through these feelings and realise that what is more valuable than being able to do a particular math problem for example is to be able to persevere. When we reward their effort, they learn not to give up. They learn that part of learning is failing. They learn that just because something is hard does not mean that we should give up.
On an effort chart you can sit down at the end of the day and discuss how you both felt their effort and attitude towards their work was that day. We have use little fuzzy balls and a container. If they were 100 percent on fire, and gave it everything they had that day, they could put three fuzzies in the jar, if they were pretty good they got two and if they were just okay they got one. There were no fuzzies for uncooperative kids. Once the jar is filled we can go out for a treat.
Work On Developing A Growth Mindset In Your Child
Children who are uncooperative usually have something else going on. They aren’t just being painful and making your life hard because they think it is fun. Trust me they are suffering too.
On the whole, Teaching your children to have a growth mindset is one of the most powerful ways you can enhance your child’s life and education. This is even more apparent in uncooperative children.
Uncooperative children, not just in homeschool and learning but in all areas of life are often children who have low self esteem, give up easily, are perfectionist, or have a fear of failure. Like I mentioned earlier, there is usually more going on below the surface. Usually children who need the most loving ask for it in the most unloving ways.
The Big Life Journal is an amazing company, who have dedicated their whole selves to building children up and arming them with the skills they need to overcome. I would highly recommend you invest in a Big Life Journal for your child that you are struggling with. It will give them the skills and the mindset to push past the frustration and do the work required and ENJOY it. The journal is done together with a buddy (usually a parent), this is a great way to mend the bonds that have become strained between you both. They also have a library full of printables and challenges that promote mindfulness, self love, self esteem, and a growth mindset. These printables are suited for your littlest preschoolers right up to grown adults.
If you have never heard of a growth mindset head over here to read a more comprehensive post about it.
I hope these ideas have given you hope and that you can see a light at the end of a dark tunnel. It is hard. I have been there myself and made it through the other side. I am sure that I will deal with again in the future, and it will still be hard then.
