Positive self talk is something I have struggled with myself ever since I was a child. It wasn’t something that I wanted for my own children but as they grew I began noticing my oldest speaking unkindly about himself.
This would happen whenever he was frustrated or afraid and wanting to give up. I wanted to help him but first I knew I had to address in myself.
1. Be an Example of Positive Self Talk
I have put this as the first point because I wholeheartedly feel that it is the biggest influencer in changing a child’s self talk.
My children had heard me on many occasions beat myself up about my failures and insecurities. I didn’t realise how much of an effect it had on them until I began to consciously avoid it. This was hard!
Children are the greatest imitators of all. When they are young everything they learn about life and who they are as person comes primarily from us as their parents. It should come as no surprise then that they will begin to imitate our own negative self talk.
It is true that we all become frustrated and upset at our weaknesses but it is how we respond to these feelings and situations that will change how we perceive ourselves and as a result how our child chooses to embrace their own weaknesses.
2. Recite Positive Affirmations Regularly
Positive affirmations are short phrases which affirm the goodness in us and our abilities. A good time to recite these affirmations is in the morning as a part of their routine. You could have them pinned next to the bathroom mirror so that they can remember them while they are getting ready for the day.
When you start the day off on a positive note and putting positivity into your mind it becomes easier to bring those thoughts back to your mind when things don’t go your way during the day.
If a child is continuously talking to himself in a positive way each morning he will come to believe it himself. His belief will then turn into action.
3. Start a Gratitude Journal
I have found this to be such a beautiful way to create self love and influence positive self talk. Negative self talk comes from focusing too heavily on the not so great aspects of life. There is no avoiding the negative but when we start to consciously focus on the positive it begins to put the negative into a lot more perspective.
Journaling ins a great way to end each each night. It allows your child some quiet time for reflection and helps them to analyse and evaluate the day. Start with just writing down two things that happened throughout the day that you are grateful for.
We are getting each of our older children a bullet journal this year along with fancy pens to begin their journals. I like the idea of bullet journals because they can add their own creative touches to them.
4. Rephrase Negative Self Talk
Children have big emotions, especially those pre-teens and teenagers. We need to teach them how to rephrase their negative emotions and self talk into a more positive mindset.
When a child comes to you and says “I am terrible at math and I will never understand it”, you could help them to rephrase it as “I am really struggling with math right now, I just don’t understand it yet”. This rephrasing acknowledges their frustration but it also opens up the door to growth with the magical power of the word “yet”.
The word “yet”, is magical because it does not let the child become fixed in a place where they feel like they can not grow. It says to the child “hey, I don’t understand right now but eventually I will be able to understand it better”.
When it comes to more emotional aspects of negative self talk like “everyone hates me” or “I am so ugly” it is important to get to the bottom of why they feel that way. Once you are able to understand the why it becomes easy to help them to turn that around.
5. Encourage a Growth Mindset
This has been one of the biggest influencers on my children’s positive self talk. I had previously not heard of a growth mindset until I read about it on someones blog post. It sounded interesting so I looked into it further.
Fixed Mindset
A fixed mindset has the characteristics of being permanent and unable to change. People with a fixed mindset feel that their abilities are predetermined and that regardless of their efforts they will still not succeed. They don’t take criticism well and can’t use it to assess where they may have gone wrong in order to succeed the next time. A fixed mindset will cause someone to give up quickly and easily especially when it gets hard. They like to stick to what they know and know they can do well instead of challenging themselves.
Growth Mindset
A growth mindset is the opposite to a fixed mindset. Those with a growth mindset see failure as a chance to grow, merely a stepping stone to success not the end. They are able to take criticism and feedback as an opportunity to learn and grow. Children who have a growth mindset take on challenges are are less afraid of failure. They realise that hard work, dedication and grit pay off and that if they put their mind to something they can overcome hard things.
Helping my children to gain a growth mindset has been truely beautiful and at times a tear inducing as I see their confidence grow. The result of all our work on growth mindset has changed how they view themselves and their positive self talk now far out weighs the negative. They are also able to recognise negative self talk in each other and those around them and help them to rephrase their talk into something more positive.
The Big Life Journal has been a game changer for our family in this regard. I will sing their praises for as long as I live. You can read more about it here.
6. Role Play
I find that for children, role playing is a brilliant way to teach life lessons. Take some time to go over real life situations with your children that they may be experience that are contributing to their negative self talk.
When doing these role plays I feel it is important to do so when it is a happy time for everyone and not in the middle of a melt down.
Role play the emotions and what types of phrases they could use. This will help them to gain the confidence to use them when they are right in the middle of a tricky situation.
7. Fill Your Child’s Bucket
I know that as parents we can become so easily caught up in the day to day routines and hustle and bustle. We are easy to reprimand for messy rooms and unwanted behaviour but slow to acknowledge all the good that our children are doing. It is just like how a person can do a million lovely acts of kindness towards us and one unkind act but we will remember the unkindness longer and hold onto it longer.
The negative has a horrible way of grabbing on to us and making itself difficult to shake off. If we are consciously trying to find and acknowledge the good we will see our children’s behaviour and self image changing for the better as a result.
A child has an emotional bucket that needs filling every day. Children long to please, be wanted and accepted. When their emotional buckets fail to get filled each day their self worth decreases.
Filling their buckets doesn’t need to be about big, grand displays but it is often the smaller act that have the most influence.
- Take time to talk to your child individually each night before bed
- Show affection towards them
- Compliment them on their efforts
- Look for ways to praise them
- Show gratitude towards them
- Acknowledge and validate their feelings. Try not to brush them off with a “you will be fine get over it”
- Read with them
- Share parts of yourself with them. Tell them stories from your childhood. Let them know what things you are struggling with right now.
- Start a journal together. Write letters to each other and leave it under each others pillow. Ask them questions that they reply to.
Resources for Teaching Positive Self Talk
I mentioned it earlier in the post but we love The Big Life Journal. They even have lesson plans for homeschoolers. They have created everything that I have always wanted to create but never had the time or the skills to do so.
There are products for every age group and even as a parent you will learn so much. They are all well priced and affordable which I love. Every child deserves to have these kinds of resources available to them.
We use the Big Life Journal resources as a part of our morning basket routine each morning. It is just a great way to start the day. The Big Life Journal is fantastic for all ages but I really feel that teenagers will benefit from it exponentially. It is perfect for that age where they are questioning who they are and what they are capable of. They have a great Teen Journal which will be idea for those teenagers.
